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 Chuck Norris Jokes

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PostSubject: Chuck Norris Jokes   Sun Nov 01, 2009 2:13 am

We all know blonde jokes, but Chuck Norris jokes are always better.
If you don't think so, prepare for a roundhouse kick to the face.

-They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

-Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

-There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

-In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

-Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

-Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."

-Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

-When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.

-China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

-Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was too scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

-Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

-If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

-Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

-There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

-Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

-Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

-Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

-Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

-God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

-When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

-When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

-If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

-Chuck Norris invented water.

-One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

-Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

-Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

-Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.

-When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

-Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

-Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

-After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

-Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

-Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His red blood cells have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
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PostSubject: Re: Chuck Norris Jokes   Sun Nov 01, 2009 2:16 am

Few more.

-Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

-Chuch Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

-Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

-Chuck Norris dosn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

-Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack, because his heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
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PostSubject: Re: Chuck Norris Jokes   Sun Nov 01, 2009 2:57 am

heres some i got:

-There is no such thing as global warming: chuck norris just got cold.

-Chuck norris counted to infinity. twice.

-When the boogeyman goes to sleep, every night he checks his closet for chuck norris.

-Chuck norris' tears cure cancer. too bad he has never cried. ever.

-Outer space exists because its afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

-There is no such thing as evolution. only a list of creatures that chuck norris has allowed to live.

-Chuck norris doesnt read books. he stares them down until they give him the information he wants.

-Contrary to popular belief, america is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

-Chuck norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

-Chuck norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

-There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck norris is always in control.

-Chuck norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

-Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

-Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
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PostSubject: Re: Chuck Norris Jokes   Sun Nov 01, 2009 3:04 pm

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep; He waits.
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